Those moments you realise you swear too much

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Swearing. We all do it. And if you say you don’t, I don’t believe you. There’s a difference between swearing because you’re not articulate enough to find the ‘right words’ and swearing with justification. I like to think that I swear at times when it is justified and not ‘just because’. I saw a quote once before that said ‘people who swear a lot tend to be most honest, loyal and trustworthy’. I firmly believe that. You definitely know where you are with a swearer.

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I don’t think you get the same satisfaction from saying ‘oh dear’ as you would from saying ‘oh shit’, or ‘for goodness sake’ instead of ‘for fuck sake’. Maybe that’s just me? I remember one of the places I worked created a swear jar. I think it was a hint and a polite way to tell me to cut down on my language. Although I did end up parting with some cash, it could have ended up being far worse! Here are the times I realised I swear too much.

When I’m in work

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Probably one of the places where I’ve bitten my tongue the most. When you’re dealing with annoying people (whether it’s the general public or if you’re colleagues are arseholes), you really want to tell them to fuck off but you can’t. So you have to swear to yourself in private to vent your anger, right?

When I’m taken by surprise

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Those moments when I hear a loud unexpected noise or if someone just startles me. I can’t help myself but drop an F-bomb to exclaim how shocked and surprised that I am.

When I’m out shopping

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When I can’t get past the 2 people talking in the middle of the aisle or end up having someone pushing me in a queue. Seriously? I politely say “excuse me please” or “the queue isn’t moving I can’t go any further forward sorry”. What I really mean is “get out of the fucking way” and “stop pushing me you twat”.  Unfortunately, as much as I want to say the latter, it’s probably deemed as less than desirable.

When I’m around kids

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If you drop the casual F-bomb like I do it can be incredibly difficult to reign it in when kids are around. Let’s face it, they probably hear a lot worse these days. It was quite funny when I said “bollocks” in front of my 2-year-old niece and she laughed. Thankfully she didn’t know what I’d said or what it meant, but the reaction was hilarious.



When I meet my friends’ parents

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My parents and I have always had a close sweary relationship which is something my friends don’t understand. My best friend swears to me and with other friends but even to this day will say she would get a slap from her parents even if she said “shit”. So imagine how difficult it is for me when I meet my friends’ parents and have to concentrate so hard not to even say “shit”. I wouldn’t even consider “shit” as being a swear word!

When I’m driving

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Let’s be honest, we all suffer with a mild dose of road rage am I right? There are some complete twats out there. The ones that don’t indicate where they’re going or the ones who drive up your arse when you’re doing the speed limit. Fellow arseholes on the road can’t hear you swear unless you shout through the window. So this is when flipping the bird is most appropriate.

I can probably think of loads of other instances where I’ve nearly exploded from refraining from swearing. Quite recently I dropped an F-bomb whilst casually talking about someone’s birthday. When she told me how old she was going to be, my reply was ‘no fucking way?’ The look on her face was a picture. I’m sorry.

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